---[st

A wife catches her husband masturbating under the shower and approaches him.
The husband:
- Oh god, it was so dirty that I had to rub it so hard... it almost hurts!

While making love, he says:
- Darling, let's do 68!
- 68??? What's that?
- You do it to me and I'll owe you one.

Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- Gorgonzola!
- Wait, it is not on yet.

Two friends:
- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment.
Do you want to come?
- Of course! How many people are coming?
- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.

A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don’t bark.
shit eh!

- What is the difference between the tires Good Year and 365 used condoms?
- 365 used condoms are VERY good year.

- Who has invented the love?
- The poor, so they can fuck for free.

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: She is expecting triplets.
Very bad: You were sterilized five years ago.

Good: Your wife doesn't talk to you.
Bad: She wants divorce.
Very bad: She is a lawyer.

Good: You are explaining to your daughter about birds and bees.
Bad: She interrupts you.
Very bad: And corrects you.

Good: Your son has a serious relationship.
Bad: The relationship is with a man.
Very bad: With your best friend.

and some more

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a
woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says,
"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies,
"If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

ahahaha

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says:
"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This
time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

urie liners
"Do you come here often?
Because I'm about to come here right now."

"If I flip a coin, what are the chances of me getting head?"

"Hi, I'm a birdwatcher and I'm looking for a Big-Breasted Bed thrasher, Do you know where I can find one?"

"Do you give head to strangers? No. Well let me introduce myself."

"If you jingle my balls I can promise you a white Christmas."

"Girl, you're like a pickup truck. It takes more than one load to get the job done."

"You wanna go skinny dipping... in my water bed?"

"you must be this tall to ride the brendon"

"I do floors, doors, windows, and you."

"Fuck me if I'm wrong, but you want to screw me, don't you?"

"You look familiar, have we had sex before?"

"Are those fuck me eyes? or fuck YOU eyes?"

"Are those Guess jeans? 'Cause guess who wants to get into 'em"

"Are you going to the party tonight (what party?) The one in your mouth, everybody's cumming"

"Believe it or not, gettin' laid is still hard when you're this good-looking."

"Can I stir your drink? Mind if I use my dick?"

What a perfect woman would say

* I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.

* Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

* God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna go crazy!

* I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

* You're so sexy when you're hungover.

* I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

* Let's subscribe to Hustler.

* Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

* Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.

* I'll be out painting the house.

* I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

* Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is nude sunbathing again, come see!

* I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

* No, no ... I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

* Your mother did a great job raising you.

* Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself a new game console.

* Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

* Not the mall again! Come on let's go to that new strip joint!

* You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

* I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind your head.

Things not to say during sex
here's a lesson guys.

"But everybody looks funny naked!"

"You woke me up for that?"

"Did I mention the video camera?"

"Do you smell something burning?"

(in a janitor's closet) "And they say romance is dead..."

"That's it baby, try breathing through your nose."

"A little rug burn never hurt anyone!"

"Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?"

"Do you accept visa?"

"On second thought, let's turn off the lights."

"So much for mouth-to-mouth."

"Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober..."

"I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!"

"Did you know the ceiling needs painting?"

"I think you have it on backwards."

"Is that blood on the headboard?"

"If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.." ahahaha

"You sweat more than a galloping stallion!" heard that before

"I need another beer for this please."

"When would you like to meet my parents?"

"Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names."

"So that's why they call you MR. Flash!"

"How long do you plan to be "almost there"?"

"What do you mean your not my blind date?"

-- and again

Love is a sensation; caused by a temptation; to feel penetration; a guy sticks his location; in a girl's destination; to increase the population; for the next generation; did you get my explanation; or do you need a demonstration?

"So, how's it going with the ladies?"

"Women to me are sex objects."

"Really?"

"Sure. Whenever I mention sex, they object."

You know you've had a good blow job when...

1) You have to pull the sheets out of your butt when she is done.

2) Your pecker has the dry heaves for three days afterward.

3) The head of your pecker is twice the size of your balls.

hahahaha.
Hope all you older girls and guys enjoyed these, I got a good fucken laugh out of them myself.



copied by "patd"